ASK CLEIS
Have you ever wanted low-cost advice on a topic that’s troubling you? Could you use a brief, sensitive, kind, encouraging ear from a well-traveled old soul who has endured or witnessed many life challenges? Could you use some advice informed by a little bit of top-notch research? Well, if so, then use the query form here to pose your question and be sure to read the directions and disclaimer below.
Directions
Directions
- Scroll down to the bottom of the page and be sure to read the disclaimer below.
- Fill out the form on this web page and send your question to me.
- I offer advice on a pay-what-you-can basis. State what you can pay via PayPal (most people pay between $5-$8) and, to get me started, send the fee by PayPal to CleisAbeni@Gmail.com to get me started.
- Then, within 24-48 hours, I will send you an email to the address you provided with a response to your query. Some queries may also appear here on this page and if they do, then please know that the language may be edited.
Sample Queries & Advice
Friday September 1, 2017
From "Politically Disillusioned"
I am politically disillusioned. I don't want to be drawn into political discussions or situations. But, on my job, online, and almost everywhere, I am asked to choose sides. I am pretty much liberal. But, I sort of come from a place where talking about politics and religion is out of bounds. You answered a question for one of the students at a school near where I work so I thought I'd ask you what I should do about my political disillusionment. Should I become more politically active at a time of white supremacists and President Trump?
My advice:
Please send my warmest regards to the student at your nearby school.
Take care of yourself, your family, your friends, and your loved ones.
Reduce the stress, anxiety, and recrimination that can lead to an unproductive life full of negativity.
Eat healthy, treat those with whom you come into contact with fairness and compassion, work hard, have fun, and get plenty of rest.
With that in mind, let me offer two insights that speak directly to what you call your "political disillusionment":
1. Some people cannot avoid political realities. My visible identity as a dark-skinned person of African descent in the United States makes it such that I am directly attacked by white supremacy and I cannot hide regardless of whether I speak or remain silent.
When you speak up for us at key moments, you help realize a world of equanimity for everyone.
One of the core tenets of my self-fashioned Buddhism is paticcasamuppada.
Basically, paticcasamuppada means that we are all interdependent. My flourishing depends on your flourishing. A truly mature consciousness understands this deeply.
(When I traveled to Thailand, I studied Buddhadasa Bhikkhu's understandings of paticcasamuppada. Those understandings are included in his book called Paticcasamuppada: Practical Dependent Origination. Brian Taylor's Dependent Origination: An Explanation of the Buddha's Paticcasamuppada also provides a good overview.)
For example, when some white people create or enable policies and practices that give some police the license to brutalize Black people in the United States, they also give create a situation where unhinged police officers can brutalize anyone.
And here's another example: when government officials create policies that enable pollution, waste, and the destruction of our environment, they create chains of harmful reaction.
Some of the destruction in Texas right now during Tropical Storm Harvey is due to the very human malfeasance of energy and chemical businesses, and the politicians who receive money from these businesses. Some disreputable politicians in Congress even acted to cut disaster relief funding to build a wall to keep out immigrants.
I encourage you to not only speak up when an injustice happens to someone that looks like you.
Speak up when the same injustice happens to someone who does not look like you too.
2. We can't do everything all the time. An acquaintance in Baltimore once asked me, "Why weren't you at the protest?" Here is what I told her.
Some disabled people do protest on the street. However, as a disabled person who cannot drive and whose ability to be fully mobile is challenged, after several attempts and mishaps, I have chosen not to put myself at risk within on-the-street protests.
This does not mean that I am not supportive of the causes. It just means that I choose when, how, where, and why I enter into my practice of political resistance towards oppressive forces.
I do political advocacy and activism in ways that are best for me.
It's okay for you to do the same according to your life experience.
At the same time, remaining silent and doing nothing will only prolong the injustice that you probably abhor as a self-described "liberal."
I pray these two reflections are helpful to you, and may light shine on you for all of your days.
I am politically disillusioned. I don't want to be drawn into political discussions or situations. But, on my job, online, and almost everywhere, I am asked to choose sides. I am pretty much liberal. But, I sort of come from a place where talking about politics and religion is out of bounds. You answered a question for one of the students at a school near where I work so I thought I'd ask you what I should do about my political disillusionment. Should I become more politically active at a time of white supremacists and President Trump?
My advice:
Please send my warmest regards to the student at your nearby school.
Take care of yourself, your family, your friends, and your loved ones.
Reduce the stress, anxiety, and recrimination that can lead to an unproductive life full of negativity.
Eat healthy, treat those with whom you come into contact with fairness and compassion, work hard, have fun, and get plenty of rest.
With that in mind, let me offer two insights that speak directly to what you call your "political disillusionment":
1. Some people cannot avoid political realities. My visible identity as a dark-skinned person of African descent in the United States makes it such that I am directly attacked by white supremacy and I cannot hide regardless of whether I speak or remain silent.
When you speak up for us at key moments, you help realize a world of equanimity for everyone.
One of the core tenets of my self-fashioned Buddhism is paticcasamuppada.
Basically, paticcasamuppada means that we are all interdependent. My flourishing depends on your flourishing. A truly mature consciousness understands this deeply.
(When I traveled to Thailand, I studied Buddhadasa Bhikkhu's understandings of paticcasamuppada. Those understandings are included in his book called Paticcasamuppada: Practical Dependent Origination. Brian Taylor's Dependent Origination: An Explanation of the Buddha's Paticcasamuppada also provides a good overview.)
For example, when some white people create or enable policies and practices that give some police the license to brutalize Black people in the United States, they also give create a situation where unhinged police officers can brutalize anyone.
And here's another example: when government officials create policies that enable pollution, waste, and the destruction of our environment, they create chains of harmful reaction.
Some of the destruction in Texas right now during Tropical Storm Harvey is due to the very human malfeasance of energy and chemical businesses, and the politicians who receive money from these businesses. Some disreputable politicians in Congress even acted to cut disaster relief funding to build a wall to keep out immigrants.
I encourage you to not only speak up when an injustice happens to someone that looks like you.
Speak up when the same injustice happens to someone who does not look like you too.
2. We can't do everything all the time. An acquaintance in Baltimore once asked me, "Why weren't you at the protest?" Here is what I told her.
Some disabled people do protest on the street. However, as a disabled person who cannot drive and whose ability to be fully mobile is challenged, after several attempts and mishaps, I have chosen not to put myself at risk within on-the-street protests.
This does not mean that I am not supportive of the causes. It just means that I choose when, how, where, and why I enter into my practice of political resistance towards oppressive forces.
I do political advocacy and activism in ways that are best for me.
It's okay for you to do the same according to your life experience.
At the same time, remaining silent and doing nothing will only prolong the injustice that you probably abhor as a self-described "liberal."
I pray these two reflections are helpful to you, and may light shine on you for all of your days.
Saturday March 18, 2017
From "Heavy in HS"
I like that you're into herbal health. I want to learn more about this. I am a heavy set girl in high school. I want to lose weight but in the right way. Last year, my best friend from summer camp went into treatment for an eating disorder at a clinic and I am determined not to go that route. Any suggestions for herbal remedies to lose weight?
My advice:
Dear-one: Before you consider losing weight, find joy in yourself inside and out! Thanks for the photographs. Clearly, you are a joyous young lady with a winsome smile and a warm spirit. Quite frankly, you seem just fine to me!
Ask your parents or guardian to take you to a nutritionist or a related physician for a check up and get that professional's opinion about your weight.
I aim to give honest counsel in this advice project. To that end, let me tell you what I know to be the truth: to my knowledge, there is no one single food or herb that will magically and safely help you lose weight in a short period of time. But, an overall life of healthy eating and moderation always helps! Exercise regularly (but not to excess) and eat fresh vegetables, whole grains, lean meats (unless you are vegan or vegetarian), good fats (not bad fatty foods), and a balanced diet. Feel free to snack in moderation.
With that said, I do have a few suggestions for organic herbal supplements for overall health and ease of digestion. Every morning, I suggest that you do the following, and do not take over the amount that I suggest — excessive intake is bad for everything. Before you take any of these items, check with your parents or guardian and get their approval too.
Most importantly, find your happiness! Ignore the bullies and haters who invariably find fault with everything that we do and say regardless of how we look, act, or feel.
I wish you a healthy, fun, joyous future!
I like that you're into herbal health. I want to learn more about this. I am a heavy set girl in high school. I want to lose weight but in the right way. Last year, my best friend from summer camp went into treatment for an eating disorder at a clinic and I am determined not to go that route. Any suggestions for herbal remedies to lose weight?
My advice:
Dear-one: Before you consider losing weight, find joy in yourself inside and out! Thanks for the photographs. Clearly, you are a joyous young lady with a winsome smile and a warm spirit. Quite frankly, you seem just fine to me!
Ask your parents or guardian to take you to a nutritionist or a related physician for a check up and get that professional's opinion about your weight.
I aim to give honest counsel in this advice project. To that end, let me tell you what I know to be the truth: to my knowledge, there is no one single food or herb that will magically and safely help you lose weight in a short period of time. But, an overall life of healthy eating and moderation always helps! Exercise regularly (but not to excess) and eat fresh vegetables, whole grains, lean meats (unless you are vegan or vegetarian), good fats (not bad fatty foods), and a balanced diet. Feel free to snack in moderation.
With that said, I do have a few suggestions for organic herbal supplements for overall health and ease of digestion. Every morning, I suggest that you do the following, and do not take over the amount that I suggest — excessive intake is bad for everything. Before you take any of these items, check with your parents or guardian and get their approval too.
- Take a half of a tablespoon of organic 100% pure molasses at breakfast.
- Take a half of a tablespoon of cod liver oil (unless you are allergic to seafood and other properties from the sea) at breakfast.
- Take a half of a tablespoon of organic 100% pure apple cider vinegar in your favorite tea or juice at breakfast.
Most importantly, find your happiness! Ignore the bullies and haters who invariably find fault with everything that we do and say regardless of how we look, act, or feel.
I wish you a healthy, fun, joyous future!
Wednesday March 1, 2017
From "At a Crossroads Guy"
I actually sent this question to a national advice columnist and never got a response. I like that you give a response so quickly. My wife had her second miscarriage. I am at a crossroads because I realize that I have not been honest with her. I do not want children. I mean not even adopting. I thought I did. But after the two miscarriages, I know now that I absolutely do not want children. I love that it is just me and her and our two dogs. How do I handle this with her?
My advice:
In life, kind sir, we will be wounded. Better to have a clean wound that heals because of open tender care than a jagged wound that festers because of secret brutal hurt.
You must speak with your wife, tell her your needs, talk it through, and discover what the next steps will be in your relationship.
It may be difficult. Having children may be one of her life's dreams. It may create an impasse within your relationship. But, if she loves you and wishes to be together with you for a lifetime, then she will respect your wishes.
No child should be brought into this world unless all of the parents absolutely want the child and are ready to sacrifice everything possible to raise it. I believe in this strongly as a former foster child and a former homeless kid. The neglect or abuse of a parent is devastating and you are so wise to embrace your truest need now.
Love is so powerful. It never completely dies when it is genuine, safe, and consensual. I have high hopes that the love between you and your wife will last this crossroads.
Wait a bit. She may be physically and emotionally tender now in the wake of the miscarriage. Give her time.
Use birth control vigilantly on your own.
Lastly, I strongly suggest jointly seeing a therapist, especially a marriage counselor. A qualified outside perspective may help.
Here are 3 articles that may benefit you and your partner:
I am thinking of you and your wife and wishing you both deep blessings.
I actually sent this question to a national advice columnist and never got a response. I like that you give a response so quickly. My wife had her second miscarriage. I am at a crossroads because I realize that I have not been honest with her. I do not want children. I mean not even adopting. I thought I did. But after the two miscarriages, I know now that I absolutely do not want children. I love that it is just me and her and our two dogs. How do I handle this with her?
My advice:
In life, kind sir, we will be wounded. Better to have a clean wound that heals because of open tender care than a jagged wound that festers because of secret brutal hurt.
You must speak with your wife, tell her your needs, talk it through, and discover what the next steps will be in your relationship.
It may be difficult. Having children may be one of her life's dreams. It may create an impasse within your relationship. But, if she loves you and wishes to be together with you for a lifetime, then she will respect your wishes.
No child should be brought into this world unless all of the parents absolutely want the child and are ready to sacrifice everything possible to raise it. I believe in this strongly as a former foster child and a former homeless kid. The neglect or abuse of a parent is devastating and you are so wise to embrace your truest need now.
Love is so powerful. It never completely dies when it is genuine, safe, and consensual. I have high hopes that the love between you and your wife will last this crossroads.
Wait a bit. She may be physically and emotionally tender now in the wake of the miscarriage. Give her time.
Use birth control vigilantly on your own.
Lastly, I strongly suggest jointly seeing a therapist, especially a marriage counselor. A qualified outside perspective may help.
Here are 3 articles that may benefit you and your partner:
- Child-Free Couples: Thriving Without Kids
- Here's Why Couples Without Kids Are Stigmatized
- 13 Misconceptions People Have About Couples Who Don’t Have Kids
I am thinking of you and your wife and wishing you both deep blessings.
Thursday February 16, 2017
From “Road Warrior Mom”:
I am exhausted and I need some perspective and some advice. I have a taxing job that requires me to travel a ridiculous amount. Every week I have to work long hours (10-12 hour days), step out of my shy self, and be someone I am not. My time is spent interacting and mingling with so-called important extroverts to impress and schmooze them, have dinner meetings and smile and make small talk, when all I really want to do is twitch my nose or tap my heels and go home. My body is tired and my soul aches for something more meaningful and with less time on a plane. The only positive thing about this job is that I make excellent money and it helps both my adult kids during a transition period in their lives. I want to help! I love them and want to see them both be happy and succeed! However, this job and all that it entails is just crushing my soul. I wish I could take a job at the center where I volunteer. But something like that is nowhere near the pay I currently make. Heavy sigh. It’s been a long week. I need to have someone think for me.
Signed,
Road Warrior Mom
My advice:
Few things fill me with more joy than to think of you with encouragement, affection, and joy.
It sounds to me like you have two very taxing jobs:
So I will provide advice below for both jobs.
Both jobs are hugely challenging. One is compensated with terrestrial remuneration and the other is compensated with spiritual remuneration. (Only foster “parents,” child care workers, and some adopted parents actually get paid for parenting in our society).
GO FOR IT on both jobs!
Continue to dive into the work of both jobs for the next several years.
At the same time (and you are already beautifully doing this!), teach yourself how to work the jobs in a way that brings less exhaustion and stress.
I am exhausted and I need some perspective and some advice. I have a taxing job that requires me to travel a ridiculous amount. Every week I have to work long hours (10-12 hour days), step out of my shy self, and be someone I am not. My time is spent interacting and mingling with so-called important extroverts to impress and schmooze them, have dinner meetings and smile and make small talk, when all I really want to do is twitch my nose or tap my heels and go home. My body is tired and my soul aches for something more meaningful and with less time on a plane. The only positive thing about this job is that I make excellent money and it helps both my adult kids during a transition period in their lives. I want to help! I love them and want to see them both be happy and succeed! However, this job and all that it entails is just crushing my soul. I wish I could take a job at the center where I volunteer. But something like that is nowhere near the pay I currently make. Heavy sigh. It’s been a long week. I need to have someone think for me.
Signed,
Road Warrior Mom
My advice:
Few things fill me with more joy than to think of you with encouragement, affection, and joy.
It sounds to me like you have two very taxing jobs:
- The first is the 12-hour-long day job that you describe in your query.
- The second is the 24/7/365-forever job of being a mom.
So I will provide advice below for both jobs.
Both jobs are hugely challenging. One is compensated with terrestrial remuneration and the other is compensated with spiritual remuneration. (Only foster “parents,” child care workers, and some adopted parents actually get paid for parenting in our society).
GO FOR IT on both jobs!
Continue to dive into the work of both jobs for the next several years.
At the same time (and you are already beautifully doing this!), teach yourself how to work the jobs in a way that brings less exhaustion and stress.
|
Suggestions for the first job:
(1) I too am an introvert. I know the challenges you face. Many introverts suffer from crippling social anxiety. These afflictions change our body chemistries, letting loose a myriad of difficult symptoms that require herculean efforts to overcome. But, over time, to meet our goals and fulfill our most cherished tasks, we introverts learn to become highly effective managers, communicators, and leaders. These articles are pretty wonderful on this topic: click here, here, and here. The same skills of concerted, well-expressed relationship-building and conviction-building at which extroverts seem to excel are well-realized by introverts. So my first suggestion is that you begin to keep a mental log (or even an actual notebook) of continual affirmations in which you provide answers to the following question: “How am I doing it: how am I overcoming the anxieties and challenges to do this work moment-to-moment?” It’s all in the details. Call out the little and big ways that you get through the days. Note what you are already doing intuitively and cognitively to manage the work. Then, as you gather the details, affirm yourself. Say phrases like this: “Damn, I’m good! I didn’t even know that I did that to cope!” “I am so proud of myself. I am prospering and doing my very best!” (2) Over time (perhaps a short time; perhaps a long time), weed out the coping strategies that may be adverse. (3) Treat yourself like a queen on the road and give yourself the perks that allow you to do the job with less and less stress. (4) Know that if you are “stepping out of your shy self, and being someone you are not,” then chances are that a lot of people with whom you interact are doing the exact same thing! Find more moments to communicate tenderness and quiet regard towards those with whom you interact so they see both your traditionally high functioning self and the inner warmth that radiates your spirit too. Examine your body language, gaze, tone of voice, speech patterns (but don’t do this to the point of anxiety!) and see when it might feel beneficial and effective to pull back. Think of yourself as a tree and not only a leaf in the whirlwind of professional social interactions. Root and branch out gradually with as much joy as you beautifully whirl with dazzlement. (5) Take breaks. Breathe-pattern. Self-care. Retool. Self-retreat. Stay-cation. Vacation. Mini-cation. Crazy-cation. Love-tap. Do all these things to restore, rebirth, renew from a challenging job. |
Suggestions for the second job:
More than anything else, I wish I had trusted family members to rely on in challenging times to help me through my many transitions. The love that you are showing to your children to support them is, I believe with all my heart, one of the great acts of the heavenly spirit. I say this with tears running down my face: you will be deeply blessed for the social and material generosity and sacrifices that you are making for your children. One of your blessings is already manifesting itself: you are preparing them to survive and thrive in a world that is, sadly, only getting more difficult economically and politically. So my suggestions are these:
Motherhood is our world’s first creative art and our most difficult: you are doing it well. Lastly:
Blessings to you! |
Wednesday February 15, 2017
From "Rachel":
I just got into the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, my dream school. Should I move to San Francisco even though the cost of living is very high and I don't really have friends there. I saw your advertisement for advice and am looking for something quick other than my mother and my step father.
My advice:
Rachel, I say GO FOR IT! It's your dream school, dear-heart! It's very important to follow your dreams, to make them into goals, and to fulfill your goals with gusto. I am so proud of you for getting into such a challenging conservatory. At the same time that you go for it, plan very, very carefully. According to a 2015 article in Business Insider, "The median rent for a one-bedroom apartment [in San Francisco] stands at $3,460 a month. But it's not just housing expenses that will eat away at your paycheck. In general, the total cost of living in San Francisco is 62.6% higher than the U.S. average." I suggest that you first ask your school's residential life and/or admissions divisions if they have advice about housing opportunities. Be prepared to secure music-playing-friendly roommates and to live in an environment that may not be top-class for a few years while pursuing your education. Don't be afraid to get a side-gig to make extra money (I have done almost everything to survive, including singing in a jazz cover band called Honk, Wail, and Moan). Also, be warned: even nearby Oakland is becoming gentrified and it may be a bit more challenging to find housing there. Be safe! Don't live in unsafe environments that may harm you for any amount of money. But, all of these challenges can be overcome. Please feel free to email me and let me know how it all turned out and I will include an update here (at no charge). If you have a side-gig that needs promotion, let me know and I can also put a plug in on this page too. Blessings to you!
I just got into the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, my dream school. Should I move to San Francisco even though the cost of living is very high and I don't really have friends there. I saw your advertisement for advice and am looking for something quick other than my mother and my step father.
My advice:
Rachel, I say GO FOR IT! It's your dream school, dear-heart! It's very important to follow your dreams, to make them into goals, and to fulfill your goals with gusto. I am so proud of you for getting into such a challenging conservatory. At the same time that you go for it, plan very, very carefully. According to a 2015 article in Business Insider, "The median rent for a one-bedroom apartment [in San Francisco] stands at $3,460 a month. But it's not just housing expenses that will eat away at your paycheck. In general, the total cost of living in San Francisco is 62.6% higher than the U.S. average." I suggest that you first ask your school's residential life and/or admissions divisions if they have advice about housing opportunities. Be prepared to secure music-playing-friendly roommates and to live in an environment that may not be top-class for a few years while pursuing your education. Don't be afraid to get a side-gig to make extra money (I have done almost everything to survive, including singing in a jazz cover band called Honk, Wail, and Moan). Also, be warned: even nearby Oakland is becoming gentrified and it may be a bit more challenging to find housing there. Be safe! Don't live in unsafe environments that may harm you for any amount of money. But, all of these challenges can be overcome. Please feel free to email me and let me know how it all turned out and I will include an update here (at no charge). If you have a side-gig that needs promotion, let me know and I can also put a plug in on this page too. Blessings to you!
Disclaimer
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this advice is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this advice are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving or have received from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. My advice, me, and any venue or forum within which we appear are not responsible for the outcome or results of the advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. By asking and receiving my advice, you wholeheartedly and completely agree to have understood and accepted this disclaimer. Your query may be edited for length or the elimination of profanity, hate speech and other hostilities. You agree not to hold me or anyone else liable for anything related to this endeavor. Why do I charge? I charge to make sure that you are serious about this endeavor and so that I am compensated for my time in preparing and research a response at a fair minimum hourly wage for responding to your query of at least $9 an hour for approximately one hour or an hour and a half of work (which is 25ç away from the minimum wage in most jurisdictions in the U.S. or the cost of two cups of fancy coffee that some folks drink two or three times a day). I am a huge proponent for increases in the U.S. minimum wage and for a nation that gives employees excellent wages, excellent free, universal healthcare, and excellent retirement benefits. I reserve the right to change my mind. The advice given does not constitute my final view on the matter. I may have a different view at a different time under different circumstances. Lastly, please avoid comparing the advice I share with you to that given to others. Some need more. Some less. The reasons and procedures are entirely my own. Worry not. All will be well.